The New Old Christine

Tea Party Time

Please Stop Sending Inquiries

Actual full page ad in the Fort Worth Republic:

GENERAL PUBLIC NOTICE

Please be advised I am sick of receiving calls about my dog Boner who mauled six illegal aliens wearing Obama tee shirts,

four Democratic supporters wearing Pelosi tee shirts, 

two LA rappers,

five computer support phone operators who asked me to press #1 for English,

nine lazy teenagers with their pants hanging down,

eight customer service desk people speaking in broken English,

three flag burners at my last Korean Veterans Reunion and

a Pakistani taxi driver who flipped me off in traffic.

FOR THE LAST TIME ...

Boner

THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !!!
US Marine Veteran, Korean war

Obamacare Special - Largest Medicare Patient In History

Giant Medicare patient using $4,890 worth of taxpayer provided medication A DAY! Terri Shaw was a part time worker at McDonald's for 12 years and was fired for theft of food products.

She was interviewed for a position in the Obama administration early in 2009 but was unable to fit into the White House elevator and was given a position in the Health & Human Services Agency.

Just Drive The Car, Bitch

Distracted drivers are not only dangerous, they're obnoxious!

Stupid Men

A Very Short Story

Man driving down road...
Woman driving up same road...
They pass each other...
Woman yells out window, PIG!
Man yells out window, BITCH!
Man rounds next curve...
Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.

Thought For the Day:

If men would just listen.....

Ah, The Good Old Days...

00000000000000000000000000

Suicide Bombers Explained

It's all coming together ... why they get suicidal.


Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to
commit suicide.

Let's see now...

No Jesus = No Christmas, No television, No cheerleaders, No Nude Women, No car races, No football, No soccer, No pork BBQ, No hot dogs, No burgers, No chocolate chip cookies, No lobster, No nachos, No Beer nuts, No alcohol period,

No Beer !!!!!!!!?????

Rags for clothes and towels for hats. Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors. Constant wailing from the guy in the tower. On your knees facing east most of the day. More than one wife. You can't shave. Your wives can't shave. You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung. Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your donkey.

Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!

I mean, really, is there a mystery here?

Happy Birthday Monica

Birthday Reminder!!

A bit of history. Our "little" girl is growing up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This week we celebrate a special birthday.

Monica Lewinsky turns 44.

Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday, she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast, don't they?

Help For The Cattle Guards

Joe asks for 6 months of retraining for 'Cattle Guards'! CATTLE GUARDS, THIS IS ABOUT AS GOOD AS THEM WANTING TO CHANGE THE LAW OF PHYSICS! You will love this one, I haven't stop laughing yet. For those of you who have never traveled to the west, or southwest, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle will not step on the "guards," probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails. A few months ago, President Obama received and was reading a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado . The Colorado ranchers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the Secretary of the Interior to fire half of the “cattle” guards immediately! Before the Secretary of the Interior could respond and presumably try to straighten President Obama out on the matter, Vice-President Joe Biden, intervened with a request that...before any “cattle” guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining for Arizona border guards. 'Times are hard', said Joe Biden, 'it's only fair to the cattle guards and their families!' And these two guys are running our country, OMG!

The Elephant Story

THIS IS JUST AN INCREDIBLE STORY !!!!

 

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in  Kenya after graduating from Northwestern  University ...

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

 

The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

 

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

 

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,

 

after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

 

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

 

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

 

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away

 

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

 

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the  Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

 

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and

 

walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing

 

The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.

 

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

 

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.

 

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.

 

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

 

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs

 

 

 

 

and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

 

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

 

This is for everyone who sends those heart-warming bullshit stories.     : )

 

Some Like Farming Way Too Much

The Really Funny Part Is It Wasn't Even Raining!!

You know, this guy is so sharp, if he wasn't in politics, he would be on food stamps.......

Brilliant, isn't he?

Now this is funny!

As soon as he figures out how to walk through that gate holding an umbrella, he'll take care of the economy, health care, Wall Street, Iraq, Afghanistan, unemployment and a few things more. But first things first.

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Post - Election Advice

Advice from Curtis & Leroy: Limit all U.S. politicians to two terms.. One in office One in prison Detroit and Chicago already do this.

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Oh Those Irishmen!

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The Irish Millionaire Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros. "You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?" "Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!" "Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? a) Sparrow b) Thrush, c) Magpie, d) Cuckoo?" "I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''So I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ." Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. "Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple it's a cuckoo." "Are you sure?" "I'm fookin sure." Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer." "Is that your final answer?" asked Chris. "Dat it is." There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!" The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink. "Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?" "Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"

We Are Not Amused - The White House

While the President was on one of his many vacations, the GOP funny men decorated the east lawn.

The Secret Service is investigating.

Whoa! That's Some Great Coke!

Hey, Hollywood! We Pay For Entertainment, Not Commentary

White House Staff On Break Near The Potomac

Summer just brings out the adventure and daring in some of us! (I wonder if that's Rahm?)

I Said, No Flash Photography, Bitch!

Pray Every Day

*A Woman's Poem*

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

*A Man's Poem*


I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big tits who owns a bar on a golf course, and a boat
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

Life In Kansas

Phone Repair Order: Lawrence , Kansas, December 12, 2008 A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called. 4.. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate. 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning. Thought you'd like to know.

Congress Celebrates Summer Recess

The Congress began summer recess last week with a picnic on the grounds of the capitol. Here, Congressman Willy Wanker, D - NC samples some of the home brew provided by Congressman Barney Frank, D - MA.

Known around Washington as "Barney Beer", the flavor leaves something to be desired but the head is unforgettable.

New Stealth Coating Applied To Air Force One

Air Force General: Mr. President, we've just invented an stealth invisibility coating for Air Force One. Obama: No s***? General: That's right, sir. Will you be going along on its maiden flight? Obama: Wouldn't miss it for the world. General: Have a good trip, sir.

“Honesty is not something you should flirt with-You should be married to it.”

Be funny if you can. If you can't, go away.